


Secrets

by thealphagate_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Adult Content, Angst, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-04-01
Updated: 2006-04-01
Packaged: 2019-02-02 06:15:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12721182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealphagate_archivist/pseuds/thealphagate_archivist
Summary: Something's wrong with Daniel, can Jack find out in time to save him?





	Secrets

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

  
Author's notes: Adult Themes, Child abuse, Disturbing images.  


* * *

He had his hand raised to knock one last time when a familiar roar sounded down the street. He waited patiently for the black truck to pull in. Seeing his friend loading bags into his hands, he hurried over to help.

"Thanks, Daniel." Jack released the bags easily, a little surprised to see his teammate at his house, but he was pleased nonetheless.

"Sure, Jack. Hey, what do you have in here? It feels like thirty pounds!" Daniel hefted one bag for emphasis. Jack grinned at him and unlocked his front door. He led him into the kitchen before turning to answer his question.

"Actually, it's only twenty three pounds! It's a turkey, of course!" Daniel carefully placed his bags on the counter and frowned.

"Um, Jack?" He sighed as Jack rolled his eyes, which he could see in his peripheral vision. He knew he did not have to explain his question, but he felt a little silly that he _needed_ to ask. Normally, he would have been the first to know. All the indications for a big dinner were here, but he knew everyone had plans. He was really hoping it didn't mean what he thought it did. Jack's charms could work miracles, including talking the others into delaying their plans. The friendship between the four of them was a little tense, though nowhere near where Jack and he stood. Spending the evening trying to dance around the fading friendships didn't exactly leave him breathless with anticipation. Besides, he had his own plans.

"I talked Carter and Teal'c into coming over for dinner on Christmas Eve. I hadn't been able to get a hold of you yet. Speaking of which, why are you here?"

Daniel shifted. He wasn't sure, really. He'd been alone in his apartment, finishing off some translations that he hoped to have in by tomorrow. It wasn't anything important. In fact, they seemed to have been a love story, written by a young poet. He'd felt the need to see Jack, to not be alone. He couldn't explain why. He wasn't sure he really wanted to try. He'd been thinking one minute, and the next minute he was in his car on the way to Jack's house. He'd been about to give up and go home when Jack's truck had pulled in.

"I thought Sam was going to see her brother for Christmas, and Teal'c was going to see Drey'ac and Ry'ac?" Daniel responded evasively, choosing to focus on Jack's statement, not his question. He wasn't about to come out and say he was here simply because he missed Jack. He felt embarrassed enough about it, and saddened. There had been a time, once, when he could have told his friend exactly what he was feeling. Yeah, he'd be teased about it and then it would be forgotten. Now, he wasn't secure enough to be able to voice that. Jack frowned, sensing evasion.

Then his sharp eyes took in Daniel's stance, his slumped shoulders, the exhaustion and weariness on his face. Something had been bothering Daniel for weeks. Jack had tried to weasel it out of him, but Daniel seemed to be even more stubborn than usual at trying to pretend nothing was wrong.

"They are, but Carter is flying out later Christmas Eve, and Teal'c isn't leaving until the next morning. What about you? Have you got any plans?"

"Um, I really do have some work that needs to be done," Daniel hedged.

Daniel knew it was a mistake the moment he said it. Jack chuckled.

"No one works on Christmas, Daniel, not even you." The corner's of Daniel's mouth twitched, his blue eyes showing a bare spark of mischief.

"Except last year we were off world, and the year before that-" Daniel stopped when Jack grimaced, admitting his loss of the point. Okay so SG-1 does have a tendency to be busy over the holidays. But this year, they were free, and Hammond had promised that they wouldn't be recalled until at least Boxing Day. It meant that other SG teams wouldn't really have a holiday, because they were all on stand by for an emergency, but since SG-1 had covered the last several years, he didn't really feel all that guilty about it.

Jack had plans this year. He'd been dancing around his feelings for Daniel for years. He'd decided this year he'd had enough. He couldn't stand by and pretend to only be his friend when he wanted to be so much more. He didn't really expect all that great a reaction from Daniel. The anthropologist was straight, and had certainly never shown signs of being anything else. Jack was counting on Daniel's ability to accept people for who they were. After all, an open mind, as Daniel had often reminded him, was the key to successfully studying another culture. He felt he knew Daniel well enough to know the man wasn't going to report him. Danny just wasn't built that way. Reported, no. A broken nose? Now _that_ was a possibility.

There was a strain between them, now. The once easygoing friendship was unravelling. Jack refused to let it dwindle into nothing, especially because he could see how much the estrangement was hurting the younger man. He didn't understand Jack's sudden withdrawal, but was trying very hard to maintain something that didn't really exist anymore. Their friendship had turned to something else. As long as Daniel was kept in the dark, it would only get worse.

He'd made his decision the night Daniel had recoiled from Jack's anger, as though afraid the Colonel would strike him. The simple movement had ripped Jack's heart to shreds. He'd realized then it couldn't go on like this between them anymore. Even if Daniel was disgusted, or hated him, at least the truth would be out. They'd deal with the fall out as best they could. He was prepared to do whatever Daniel asked. That included transferring to another team, even though a large part of him knew Daniel would never ask. The man could be a stoic professional in almost anything if he had to. It was hardly a decision made lightly. He'd spent many sleepless nights going over every possibility, worst case and best case. In the end, it didn't matter. How much worse than this could it be? Daniel deserved the truth. Keeping it from him, watching the hurt he was inflicting, made the risks pale in comparison.

"Well, this year we're not. So, SG-1 is having a team dinner here Christmas Eve, and last I checked, you're still a part of SG-1."

Daniel cringed, but nodded. He couldn't really come up with a good reason to skip the night. Christmas had never been good to him, and he preferred to spend it alone, in his apartment, with a bottle of strong liquor. Or working so hard he didn't have time to think, to remember. But he was trapped. Jack would never let him work, if he didn't have to. And he would never accept a lame excuse.

Their friendship had been rocky lately, though he didn't understand why. A part of him accepted that this was Jack's attempt at fixing it. The least he could do was meet him halfway. He would just have to be careful, that was all. He'd kept his dark memories to himself for so long he could just keep doing it.

Only, he was afraid this time. Jack could read him as well as Daniel could read any of his books. He would know something was off, and try to find out what was wrong. Jack didn't let things go, damn the man. Well, Christmas Eve was three days away. He'd have until then to come up with something.

"Thanks, Jack, I'd love to come."

Jack narrowed his eyes. 'Liar, you'd rather go face down every System Lord out there! Why?' Had he really been that hard on Daniel? Maybe, but Jack sensed this was something deeper, and darker. Whatever it was, it had Daniel running scared.

"Good, then. Now, how about you help me put these away, and then we can grab a beer, and relax?" Daniel hesitated for an instant, and then nodded cautiously. After all, how could it hurt to have one beer with Jack?

Jack finished putting away his groceries, and he glanced over to where Daniel was leaning into the freezer. His heart stopped.

Daniel's sweater rode up when Daniel leaned deeper into the freezer to rearrange the produce to make more room for the new purchases. Jack could see the pale skin underneath. Normally, that little tease of flesh would have been tantamount to torture, but the skin was pulled tight over his hipbone, and a rib stuck out dramatically. This made it achingly clear that Daniel hadn't been eating anymore than he'd been sleeping. Damn it, what was going on?

How and when had Daniel lost so much weight? And why had no one noticed it? Thick sweaters, like the one the linguist wore today, seemed to hide many sins. 'Damn it, Daniel, what's the matter? What drove you to this point?' Jack silently asked himself. He knew Daniel had been upset, and not sleeping well, if at all, but he had been blind to all the other little hints that he could now clearly see.

"Hey, Daniel, how about we skip the beer, and grab a steak?" The question was innocent enough, but Daniel's answer would be revealing. His friend finally emerged from the freezer, quickly pulling his shirt back down in an absent-minded gesture.

"No thanks, Jack. As a matter of fact, I really should get back home. I've got a lot of work to do before Christmas." Now that he was here, Daniel found that he really didn't want to be. There was something in Jack's eyes, something that told him the Colonel was back, and upset about something.

"Daniel!" Jack said sharply. Daniel easily translated the nuance in his name. 'Talk to me, damn it!' He turned away from those pleading brown jewels. He knew what Jack had seen, and he wasn't proud of it. He couldn't take the silence that stretched. He shifted, uncomfortably aware that Jack's softened glare never left him. The man couldn't seem to decide if he wanted to be angry with Daniel for not taking care of himself, or hurt that their friendship was so far gone Daniel didn't feel he could trust him. The resulting expression would have been amusing at any other time. The longer the silence, the more Daniel wanted to get away from the pain he saw on Jack's face, and the accusation. A year ago, Daniel would have eventually told him, would have let whatever was bothering him be dragged out. For a moment, Jack's blatant, honest concern tempted him. But only for a moment. Time for a strategic retreat.

With a quickly muttered, "I'm fine, Jack," Daniel was gone before Jack could say anything else. Jack shook his head at his departing back, desperately wishing he could find an easy fix for this problem. The young man was far from fine. Something was going on, and since Daniel was obviously going to be less than forthcoming, he would have to find out himself. And he suspected he knew just who had at least a few answers.

* * *

"Colonel, what can I do for you?" Janet Fraiser asked as the man stomped into the infirmary. Jack O'Neill looked like someone was going to die. Slowly.

"Can we speak in your office, Doc?" Janet nodded, and led him there, closing the door softly behind her. She had a sneaking suspicion as to what this was about. Frankly, this made her more than a little angry. It was about time someone noticed.

"Yes, Jack?" Jack looked up sharply at the use of his first name. That usually meant that she accepted this was off the record. It also meant she had an idea to what this was about.

"Daniel." That was all he had to say. He watched as she chewed his lip. He wondered who would win out, the friend, or the Doctor? Off record or no, Janet tried one last effort.

"Doctor/patient confidentiality," Janet stated shortly, but not nearly as firmly as she could have. Nice try, Doc, but you're going to have to do better than that! Jack thought.

"I'm his commanding officer. What I saw yesterday makes him unfit for duty. You're going to tell me everything my own eyes can't see. So spill!" Jack ordered firmly. His tone left no room for argument.

"What did you see?" Jack paced about her small office.

"He's not sleeping, not eating, and overworking himself. Clearly stated, he looks like shit! Why have you let this continue? I know we've had off world missions, which means pre and post checkups, in which case you either had to have noticed, or you're just a bad doctor. Now, I know for a fact it's not the latter."

"I've noticed, Colonel, but it's a little complicated. Daniel gets like this around this time of year. Not to this extreme, in past years, but he's usually better by the time he gets back. He never told me why, and I didn't push it, as until now, he's never seriously jeopardized his health."

"Every year?" Jack asked weakly. He felt a few pieces fall into place. Daniel obviously had a hard time with Christmas, for some reason. And the added strain this year wasn't really a surprise, either. He winced as his mind played connect the dots. Not only had he hurt his friend, but also he'd compounded the offence by adding to an obviously already heavy load. His role in pushing Daniel over the edge this year made his chest tighten. Every year. Why hadn't he noticed? Sure, Daniel got a little quiet over the holidays, but, as Daniel had pointed out yesterday, they were usually off world.

Thinking back on it, he realized that Daniel had worked hard to be as alone as possible when they were on Holiday Missions. He'd withdraw to write his notes, or was particularly stubborn in refusing to turn in for the night. Two years ago, Daniel had even gone so far as to insist on taking every watch so he could collect his notes before returning to the ruins. Jack had finally relented when Teal'c pointed out it was useless arguing. Daniel would simply 'forget' to wake them up. It went against everything the Colonel believed in, but he'd really been powerless. After Teal'c assured him he would keep an eye on Daniel, he'd relented. When they came home, Jack had given Daniel a sound dressing down, and warned him if he ever put Jack in that position again, he could guarantee his ass was office bound for the rest of his natural life. It had never come up again, and Daniel had never done it again. It had been forgotten.

Janet watched carefully, wanting to make sure of the Colonel's intentions before she told him anything else. The legendary friendship between the two men had become highly strained. Everyone on base was walking on eggshells, trying to avoid a confrontation with either man, as a result. She had her own ideas about what had happened, but wasn't sure how to broach the subject, or even if she should.

There were rules to follow as a Major in the USAF. Just as there were rules to follow as a doctor. More often than she would like, those rules conflicted with each other. Several times, she was forced to choose between the two. She didn't like doing it, but there were times when it was necessary. She felt perhaps now was one of them. As a doctor, do no harm was imprinted on her. She knew it soul deep. She rationalized it that not having someone to talk to, who could understand, was harmful. In her �personal� opinion, "Don't ask, Don't tell" was a shameful affront to the uniform she had worked so hard for. It went against everything she believed in. She just couldn't, in good conscience, support it. A court martial was never sought after, and most of the same sex couples protected her as much as themselves. It was never an easy decision, but sometimes the added risk to her was more than worth it.

She watched as Jack sat down heavily in a chair, and decided now was the time. Taking a deep breath, she sat down as well.

"Jack." O'Neill looked up at the emphasis on his first name. Okay, so, definitely off the �record� now. He waited, and then he realized that his name had been more than a statement. It had been a question, a request for permission.

"Janet." Janet smiled in acknowledgement. She was worried about her two friends, and as their friend, she felt she had to say something. As Daniel's doctor, well, that half of her screamed to agree with the friend half. She would never have a better chance.

"Are things between you and Daniel all right?" Jack frowned, sensing there was more to her question, but he couldn't quite place it.

"No, they're not. But it's my fault, really. You can't really ask, and I can't really tell."

Janet's eyebrows rose. She wasn't surprised at the implication, only the fact that O'Neill felt he could trust her enough to tell her. Well, she'd taken that step. Time to take one more.

"But I can ask, Jack, and I am. I'm hoping you can tell. There are privileges to doctor/patient confidentiality. I know of several same sex couples on base. I hate those regulations, and therefore have made it clear that in those cases, I am a doctor first, a friend second, and am a Major last. The truth is, Jack, that the rules applied to us can be manipulated. It's still risky, without doubt, but this is one subject I feel justified to shape to the situation."

Jack nodded. He knew, of course, there were same sex couples on base, and not only among the civilians. Some of them knew he knew, and others didn't. But he was 2IC of this place for a reason. Not much that went on escaped his notice. Except, apparently, when it came to a certain archaeologist. As long as it didn't cause a problem, he was fine with it. He also knew Daniel had been careful not to reveal the existence of several gay couples in his Department.

Jack cocked his head and studied her. He'd never been ashamed of his feelings. Granted, he'd hidden them, but for survival, not shame. He knew he could trust Janet with just about anything, but as she'd said, there were risks, both for him, and for her. It made him nervous, though he kept his calm stoically. Then there was the other issue. Jack O'Neill did not talk about his feelings. Not often, anyway. The longer he could avoid it, the better. He could simply refuse to answer. She would understand, and the subject would never be broached again. But Janet was reaching out, offering, and willing to understand. She was even willing to meet him on his own terms, and not do the touchy feely sympathizing doctor deal she probably really wanted to. She'd obviously dealt with same sex couples before, so he wasn't afraid she'd react badly. He strongly believed he knew her well enough to know that if she wasn't comfortable going there, she wouldn't have asked to begin with. Okay, so it wasn't on the top ten list of conversations he ever wanted to have, especially with her, but since he had to do this with Daniel, well, he might as well get some practice in. Yep, that was his story, and he was sticking to it.

"Flat out, Doc?" Janet nodded. She wanted to let him know he could be honest with her, but didn't want to push him into saying something he might not be ready, or willing, to say. Sitting back, she allowed him to set the pace of the conversation. She was willing to listen, if he was willing to talk.

"Flat out, Jack." Jack cleared his throat, and shifted uncomfortably in his chair.

"I've been bisexual my entire life. I decided when I was a kid that the Air Force was my path, and have worked toward it everyday since then. I even went so far as, for the most part, to deny that this part of myself existed. I knew the rules, the regs. I've been very discreet with my off chance encounters, and have worked hard to hide it. I accepted that was the price I paid for what I wanted. And I paid it willingly. I've sacrificed everything for this career, Janet. And I need you to understand that. I could have worked harder to keep Sara, but I chose the Air Force. Even before Charlie..." Jack broke off, clearing his throat. He wasn't one for feelings, but he was going to lay it all on the line. "Even before Charlie, I should have been home more. Yeah, we were great together, but the military always came first. She accepted that, though that's not to say I didn't get the rough side of her tongue a time or two for it." Jack allowed himself to smile at the memory. Sara had spirit. He'd always loved that about her. Still did, in his own way.

"I understand," Janet said carefully. Jack wanted her to see what he'd given up for his career. She agreed, he'd paid a hefty price. She'd never met Sara, but she could imagine the type of woman she'd been. It took a certain type of person to deal with the likes of Jack O'Neill. She waited patiently for Jack to continue, if he was going to. She wanted to know more, but if Jack didn't tell, she wasn't going to ask. She understood very well that Jack was trusting her with more than his sexual orientation, as well as how difficult this was for the deeply personal man. She very carefully kept her voice, and her comments, completely neutral.

"Then one day, in walks this shy, arrogant geek. Turns everything inside out within seconds of stepping foot onto this base, and didn't even realize he'd done it. I'd just barely gotten there myself, and here he was showing up the so-called experts. I should have noticed then, should have realized there was far more to Daniel Jackson than what first appearances told you. I was in such shape at the time. I just didn't care anymore. The sooner I died, the better." Jack knew he wasn't really following any real order in things, but he was trying. This wasn't easy for him, no matter how calm he seemed on the outside. He was talking, revealing something deeply personal; he figured he had the right to babble a little.

Jack looked up at Janet's surprised expression, and he nodded. He smiled grimly.

"I wasn't human anymore, Janet. Charlie had taken the last good part of me with him. So I thought, anyway. Then Daniel died for me, a man who had made it clear I didn't have the time of day for him. He had a job to do, and so did I. That was the first hint I got that Daniel was something special. More than just a genius. He found out about the bomb, and my orders. He found me, cuddled up to a fire, alone. He never questioned my right to die, Janet. Not for a second. Never tried to talk me out of it. What he did question, was my right to make the decision for all of them. Not just my team, but the people of Abydos as well. I've saved many lives in my career, had my life saved more than I can count. But how many people can you trust to let you die?"

Janet almost held her breath. She'd read the reports from the first missions, of course. But by the time she had come onto the scene, a relationship between the two men had already been established. She had never understood them, the soldier and the scholar. They just didn't fit, not on paper, anyway. They were as opposite as you could get. Now, at long last, the pieces fell into place. Jack looked up at her, and smiled.

"Yeah. Now you get it. He never pitied me, felt sorry for me, tried to talk me off the ledge. Just asked for an extension. He _understood_. He spoke to the grieving parent, not the Colonel, not the man. He didn't want me taking the people of Abydos with me, or him or my team. Then he turned the weapon on Ra. See, Daniel never had- or even has- any problems with dying. He doesn't see himself as important enough to try to stick around. But he never saw the pattern."

Jack took a deep breath. This was a big issue for him. It's what made Daniel's sudden decline not make sense. Sure, Daniel needed a keeper, needed a reminder every once in a while that he was only human, but he'd never died without purpose. He wasn't even sure where he was going with this. He kept opening his mouth, and this was what came out. He greatly appreciated Janet's patience as he rambled his way through this. For the first time, it occurred to him how much of a valuable asset she was, and how good a friend. She wasn't making him feel like some psycho patient, or like he was in confession. This was a friend offering him a shoulder to use however he needed to. He sighed and continued emphatically.

"Each and every time Daniel has died, he has done it either saving a life, or making damned sure he took one with him. I saw that pattern on Abydos. He doesn't live for himself. He lives and dies for everyone else around him. He brought me back to life, Janet. He fanned a weak spark of humanity still inside me. The year we spent apart, I did a lot of thinking. About how my life had been spent thus far, and how it hadn't. Then, when he came back, still fighting for someone else, I realized then what a loss the world would suffer, if he just gave up the fight one day. He gave me a reason to live, a reason to fight. I had to protect him, Janet."

Janet nodded, tears in her eyes, God, she'd been so blind. The foundations for a friendship like the two of them shared had been built on tears, pain, and taking any small joy they could. Everyone joked about O'Neill's over protective streak toward Daniel. Even her. It suddenly didn't seem so funny anymore. Daniel was a beautiful soul. She realized now he never would have made it as far as he did without the Colonel watching his six, protecting Daniel from the evils he could, and picking up the pieces after the evils he couldn't broke through the Colonel's protective barriers.

"The longer I knew him, the more I felt I needed to see him through, for as long as I could. It didn't come as a shock to me when I finally realized that not only did I love him, I was _in_ love with him. Christ, who wouldn't be? After all he's done, all he's been through, and no matter how much shit the universe insists on throwing at him, he's still Daniel. He's a little more of a soldier, a little wiser now, and a lot older than his years. But he's still too smart for his own good. No, he's not innocent. But I don't think he ever really was. He's pure, really pure, though, in heart, mind and soul. All these changes and he's still the same old Daniel at his core."

Janet chewed her lip, thinking on Daniel's medical file. No, innocent wasn't a word he could lay claim to anymore.

"If you weren't shocked when you realized your feelings, then why the drift between you?" Jack smiled sadly. She was trying to let Jack give what he wanted, really, but she couldn't sit back and observe anymore. She was too wrapped up. She suspected that Jack wouldn't pull away now. She could see it was a relief for him to talk about it, no matter how well he tried to hide it.

"No, my feelings didn't shock me. Janet, if Daniel asked me to, I would walk away from all of this in a second, and never look back. Everything I've worked for, sacrificed for, bled for... gone, if he even hints at it. _That's_ what scared me."

Janet frowned. "But Daniel would never ask..."

"No, he wouldn't," Jack interrupted quickly. "But that doesn't mean I still wouldn't do it. Do you know how many times Sara asked me to retire?"

Suddenly, Janet understood. Jack O'Neill had given up everything in his life to pursue his career. Then comes this one man who had the power to change it all. It was a serious dilemma for the career soldier, and a true indication of his deep feelings for Daniel.

"So, what are you going to do?" she asked softly. Jack sat back, and sighed.

"I'm going to tell him. He relies on this friendship, Doc. And I can't turn back the clock. I can't make things go back to the way they were. My only option is to go forward. And soon. I've been an ass about this whole thing. I don't know what brings about his Christmas blues, but I know this year, he's been lost for a very long time. And it's my fault."

"It's killing him, Jack," Janet admitted gently.

Jack's head whipped up and he stared at her. No, surely things couldn't be that bad? Doc Fraiser would never let Daniel outside the infirmary if things were too serious, or she would have told him sooner, before it got out of hand.

"But... you... " Jack stammered a little, then cleared his throat, regaining control over his shock. "Isn't there something you can do?"

"I can't fix this, Jack. I could tie him to the infirmary bed, force sedatives and fluids on him, multi vitamin shots, but it wouldn't heal him. He'd die more slowly, true, but he'd still die. I can only heal his body. I'm afraid his soul is up to you. He's giving up. For all that he's suffered through, fought through, died for, lived for... does it not tell you something that your own withdrawal is what finally drove him over the edge?"

Janet held her breath, hoping that the Colonel would see past his guilt, and maybe, finally, see _Daniel_. It wouldn't be easy. She knew very little of Daniel's past, and what she did know, she desperately wished she didn't. There were barriers that would complicate things. However, Jack O'Neill needed to understand that it could, eventually, be done. It was no easy task the Colonel had taken on.

"I know how much this friendship means to him, Doc. It's one of the reasons I haven't told him. Okay, I've bared my soul, now your turn to bare Daniel's. What exactly are we looking at?" Janet turned and grabbed Daniel's file from the drawer. Something inside her twigged to what she was about to do, but she was convinced the Colonel had Daniel's best interests at heart. She'd been serious when she said she couldn't fix it. Jack O'Neill was, perhaps, the only person who could save her friend now." He's exhausted, like you said. His glucose levels are floored; his red blood cells are low...."

"Doc, give it to me in English."

"He's not eating, not sleeping, and the last tests showed signs of frequent vomiting. I've been treating him for increasing migraines for the past three months. His blood pressure is too low, muscle cramps, and his organs are starting to show signs of stress. He's lost weight he never had to lose. I would have grounded him, if General Hammond hadn't done it first. Frankly, Colonel, I don't know how he's lasted this long. Any one else would be in my infirmary by now."

Jack gulped. Okay, so things were a lot worse than he'd thought. Suddenly, his feelings didn't matter anymore. Christ, how had he missed all this? This was months of neglect, and was definitely way more than holiday ghosts. Why hadn't Carter or Teal'c noticed?

"So, what do I need to do?" He asked her, his chocolate brown eyes intent on absorbing all she had to tell him.

* * *

Jack took one last look around his house. Daniel was due to arrive any minute. He had restocked the fridge as per Doc Fraiser's instructions, and removed anything that might resemble work to Daniel. Over the years, the man had left quite a collection at his place. It might have been funny, once, but now only served as a reminder of what they no longer had.

The doorbell rang, but before Jack could answer it, Daniel burst into the living room, his face drawn with worry.

"Jack! What is it? What's wrong?" Jack smiled grimly. He had called Daniel's apartment, told his friend that he was alone, and needed to talk. It had been shitty, but the only sure thing to get the young man to abandon his work and come running. And it hadn't been a lie. They _did_ need to talk. Whatever else may be happening between them, Daniel simply didn't have it in him to stop being a good friend.

"We need to talk. I'm sorry if I over reacted on the phone. I was upset. I just came from Fraiser." Daniel took another step forward, his concern increasing.

"What? Why? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Danny. But you're not." Daniel stopped. He wanted to be angry, but he couldn't. He didn't have the energy. Instead, he dropped onto the sofa, sighing with fatigue. His hand traced a pattern on the material, his mind going back to the countless memories this couch held. If it could talk, it would have been shot. They'd talked, cried, laughed and fought here. There had been nights of utter silence, because the knowledge the other man was near had been enough, and other nights where they'd gotten totally plastered, loudly trying to one up each other. Even if those times were over, the memories could still make him smile.

This was his corner. No matter how many people had been over, it had always been available, just for him. Jack had even forcefully evicted Sam from it a time or two. The smile left, dragging with it the momentary joy he had felt with the memories. Those days were long gone. And God, did it hurt. He was no stranger to loneliness. He recognized the pain inside for what it was. He had tried fooling himself when the trouble started, tried to convince himself that Jack wasn't ingrained into every part of his life. That had lasted until he'd made an amazing discovery, and he'd reached for the phone to call Jack to tell him about it. Sure, Jack had never really been interested, but he'd listened, and laughed with Daniel about it, congratulated him.

It hit him when he'd been dialling that Jack probably didn't care. He was indulgent of this habit of Daniel's. Doubt made him believe that simple indulgence was gone too. Suddenly the thrill of the discovery was gone. He felt his eyes fill up, and desperately blinked back the tears. He was afraid that if he started crying, he'd never stop. He couldn't afford that, not in front of Jack. When was the last time Jack had called him Danny? It felt like years. He missed it, and he missed Jack.

"What did she tell you?" Daniel asked, his tone uncaring, his body language showing his defeat. Jack sighed, and took a seat in his large chair. It was too reminiscent of the NID operation for him, when he'd hurt his friend so deeply, but he needed to be able to see Daniel for this. He'd watched his friend trace the sofa pattern, and could guess that Daniel had been remembering. His hands twitched to hug him when he saw the tears appear, and he felt his heart skip a beat when Daniel forced them back.

"Everything I needed to know about your physical condition. You know you've now been kidnapped, right?" Jack tried to keep it light while he could. He waited, almost hoping to see Daniel's famous temper. A spark of life, anything. And he didn't get it. Daniel sighed, but he didn't fight with him.

"How long?" Oh, Danny, Jack thought, please, give me some sign it's not too late.

"Until you're better. I've already spoken to General Hammond. SG-1 is on stand down until its archaeologist passes through the power mongers inspection." Still no smile. Daniel usually gave him a little glare for using Janet's nickname, even though Jack knew full well that Daniel was biting back a smile every time.

"I'm fine, Jack."

"Yeah sure you betcha! Maggots will starve on what's left of you, but hey, we all have bad days, right?" Jack winced a little. Old habits were hard to break. This obviously wasn't the time for his usual snarkiness and sarcasm. Honesty was the way to go with Daniel when you wanted him to talk. Okay, note to self, think before you speak!

"So the outside finally caught up with the inside." No! You're trying to take the easy way out, Danny, and I'll be damned if I let you! Jack silently commanded. It's not too late! We can fix this, together! With a sudden insight, Jack knew. There was no waiting. There was no more time. It was all going to come out today, one way or the other, for both of them. He needed to know the other half of the equation for Daniel's current mental state, and the only way to pry it out of him, was to offer something in kind. He almost smiled. New record for Colonel Jack O'Neill, he bares his soul twice in one day!

"Jack, I really have work to do. Just give me the sleeping pills I'm sure Janet sent with you, and I'll even take one tonight, like a good boy. Can I go now?" Daniel stood to leave.

"NO!" Jack barked furiously. Okay, so, patience wasn't his thing. Besides, nothing else was getting through to his friend. "Sit down! Now!"

Daniel sat, stunned. Jack yelling at him was nothing new, especially lately. What was new was the flash of fear that had crossed Jack's face. He'd never seen Jack afraid, and he wondered what had caused it.

"Jack, what's wrong?" Daniel's blue eyes shone with concern. He'd never seen Jack like this. This wasn't about him? Surely not. "I'm really okay," he hastened to assure his distraught friend. "I didn't mean to worry you. You don't have to be afraid. You look so, well, I don't know- desperate!"

Jack shook his head. For cryin' out loud, would Daniel never figure it out? Fighting the urge to literally beat the idea into his friend, he stood and paced around the room a few times to work it off. Then he turned to Daniel. He tried out several answers in his mind, and finally decided on the simple truth. He wanted to yell, rant and rave, but didn't. It wouldn't do any good. He was calm when he started talking.

"I am desperate. How can you ask me what's wrong when my best friend is sitting in front of me, wasting away? Afraid? You're dying, Daniel. Afraid doesn't even begin to cover it. I'm absolutely terrified! For the second time in my life, I feel like I'm not in control, as if all I can do is sit back and watch. You're only decent thing in my life right now! As screwed up as things are between us, I can't lose you." Jack's voice cracked. "I'm very sorry for the way things have been with us, the distance and the unease, the tension. It's my fault. I miss you, Daniel, but now I'm so very fucking scared that it's too late. That we can't fix this." Jack's heartfelt confession finally died to a whisper, and he sat on the coffee table in front of Daniel with his head in his hands, shaking it and repeating "so sorry" over and over in a barely audible whisper.

Daniel hesitated only a second before leaning forward and putting his arms around his friend. He still wasn't sure what was happening, but no matter. Jack needed him, and he'd be there. As he held him, he wondered when the last time was he'd heard Jack swear like that. It was a clue as to how vulnerable Jack was feeling.

"I'm sorry, too, Jack. I'll get better. I didn't know- I just didn't think..." Jack shivered as Daniel's breath ghosted his ear, and then he looked up, aware his face was wet with tears. Daniel's eyes were bright, and so blue. He looked confused, but determined to do whatever it took to make Jack feel better. Jack lifted his hand to cup Daniel's cheek.

"You didn't think anyone cared, and stopped caring yourself. Oh, Danny. I should have told you, talked to you. I was such a coward."

Daniel shifted, uncomfortable with what Jack was implying. This wasn't Jack's fault, and he shouldn't take the blame for it. Daniel had given up on their friendship, stopped trying to make it work, and had accepted whatever fell. Jack was right. No one cared, so why should he? He hadn't done it intentionally, and by the time he'd noticed his failing health, it had been too late to break the cycle. And when it was said and done, he just hadn't given a damn anymore.

"I'll, um, I'll get better, Jack, I swear. Don't worry about it anymore, okay? It's not your fault." Jack sighed, and Daniel noticed that he had still yet to remove his hand. Nor had the tears stopped.

"You'll get better?" Daniel nodded, desperate to do anything Jack wanted, anything to stop the raw pain he saw in those deep brown eyes. "Because you want to, or because I want you to?"

Daniel frowned. It didn't matter. He'd do whatever it took to make Jack okay, to stop worrying about him. However, he sensed there was a right and wrong answer to Jack's inquiries on his health. He froze as he realized he didn't know what Jack really wanted of him. Wasn't it enough for him to get well for Jack's sake? Or was it? What more did Jack want from him?

Jack shook his head in despair. Didn't Daniel understand the importance of this issue? Daniel's hesitation provided him with his answer about how much Daniel valued his own health. He didn't.

"So, you'll get better because I realized how you were endangering your health. What then? What happens after? You start all over again? You're still living for everyone else, Daniel. When are you going to start living for yourself? Tell me what you want. Right now. Any old thing off the top of your head. What does Doctor Daniel Jackson want, for himself?"

Daniel tried to sit back, away from the hand that held him, but it tightened, keeping him there. Jack wanted an answer, and Daniel had none to give him. He'd never allowed himself to really want anything for himself. Finding Sha're had been the closest, but even that had been to end her torture. He'd never allowed himself to think of what their life together might be, just in case. His degrees, maybe. His career. Somehow, he didn't think that was the answer Jack wanted.

Jack waited, and waited. Silence. It had been an unfair question. Daniel didn't want anything for himself at the moment, because he didn't care enough about himself to want. But Jack suspected it went far deeper than that. This was something Daniel had learned early. Still, they had made a step. Jack knew full well the obvious answer to get out of it. 'I have everything I want'. He was thankful Daniel respected him, and their frayed friendship enough not to lie to him.

His hand never released its hold, but he did move his other so he could cup Daniel's face.

"Daniel, I love you. I'm scared to death for you, because I'm losing you. Not just our friendship, but because something inside you finally snapped. You've been dying inside for so long, and I never noticed. I can't lose you. I need you too much. Please, don't leave me," Jack breathed.

Daniel looked shocked, but brought up his hand to hold Jack's wrist. This, he could do. Jack was being brutally honest and open with him today. Had he really frightened the man that much?

"I won't, Jack. I love you too." He knew he needed to say those words. And not just because Jack needed to hear them. He knew how much it had cost the other man to say them. It had been something between them that was assumed, known, but neither had ever spoken. Best friends or not, men didn't go around telling each other they loved the other, especially in the military. Someone could easily take it the wrong way, and Jack's career would be over. They knew, and it was enough. Or so he had thought. Jack's eyes were suddenly so very sad, as if his world had just ended. "Jack, I... I don't understand. Please, what do you want from me?"

Jack knew there was no other choice. There were no words for this moment that the younger man would allow himself to understand. They could bandy about for hours. Daniel was simply refusing to see. There was only one way to make him see. Jack leaned in, and gently brushed his lips across Daniel's.

"Daniel, I love you," he repeated, trying to pour all the feelings he had for this man into his eyes, willing Daniel to see. "I'm in love with you. Have been for a very long time. I was so afraid of the power you had over me, that I pushed you away. Every time you put your life in danger, it got so much easier because I knew I couldn't survive if anything happened to you. You're it, Daniel. Last love. You lead, I follow. I didn't tell you, couldn't tell you meant this much to me."

Daniel was stunned, shocked, amazed- whatever word he could find along those lines, insert here. Jack couldn't mean it, no, not Jack. The man was straight! Sure, he knew his friend had been over protective of the rights of the same sex couples on base, making sure to run interference for them when he could, but this went so much further. It was unbelievable.

"No," Daniel whispered in horror. But it was there, in Jack's eyes. Love shining bright with the tears, the fear and his - hope? Hope for what? It didn't matter. All the proof he needed had been handed to him when Jack kissed him. The man did nothing without careful thought, no matter how impulsive he seemed. It was another side of the dumb act. Everyone thought he was dumb, and impulsive, when in fact, it had taken the expert tactician seconds to analyze and process the options.

Daniel stood and ran to the bathroom, where his stomach tried to promptly empty itself. Too bad it was already empty, and Daniel was reduced to dry heaves in a matter of seconds. He gripped the porcelain until he felt a hand nudge his arm, offering him a warm wet cloth with which to wipe his mouth.

He felt dazed, his tired brain trying to process too much at once. He barely felt Jack helping him up, barely acknowledged when his friend sat him on his bed, rubbing his arms and murmuring soothing words, but ultimately, leaving him time to recoup.

Jack had barely had time to hear what Daniel had said before the man bolted. Now they were sitting on his bed in the master bedroom. The ensuite was currently the only working bathroom in the house, and as uncomfortable as Daniel was going to be when he came around, Jack wasn't prepared to take him too far from the bathroom just yet.

He had anticipated many reactions, but this one hadn't been in the list. He was unsure of himself, and where they had to go from here. Daniel's soft call reminded him the bonds between them were torn, ripped and bloody, but they were still there! Daniel had never called another name first when he was in trouble. The lost little voice told Jack that his friend was in trouble.

"Jack."

"Right here, buddy." Daniel shook his head.

"But - you, no - you're straight, Jack."

Jack coughed. "Not so much. Just hide it better than most."

"You never told me." Daniel folded his legs up to his chest, and wrapped his arms around him. He would have preferred to hug himself, but Jack was very familiar with that pose! If he did that, Jack would know something was up, and Daniel didn't want to give anything away.

"It, um, well, it never came up. And it's not exactly something I advertise. Would it have mattered?" Jack asked lightly. He was stunned by Daniel's quick answer.

"Yes." Frowning, Jack wondered why. Daniel closed his eyes and turned away. He was ashamed of his feelings. Yes, he would have been friends with Jack, but he would never have allowed Jack to get as close as he did. Wouldn't have allowed the thousand little touches and pats that had been such a part of their friendship from the beginning. 'Spacemonkey' and the hug in the gate room wouldn't still be a topic of gossip. SG-1 wouldn't be the tight unit they were. So many precious moments lost to a haunting memory. Daniel felt like a coward for admitting it at all. Hate swelled within him, and he fought to keep it from showing. Jack would take it the wrong way, when, in truth, it wasn't Jack he hated. It was himself, his cowardice. Shame mingled with all these emotions, and more. God, he felt so lost, so confused.

"Right, well, um, ok, well, I know you're straight, I just thought that an anthropologist had to be a little more open minded. Not judging people by their choices." He wanted to get angry, like he usually did by people who were so insecure about their own sexuality that they felt threatened by his. He wanted to get up and walk away. But he sensed there was more going on here, and he simply couldn't throw away a friendship like that. Not without giving Daniel a chance to explain what he meant. There was a torrent of emotions flying across his friends face, though, surprisingly, disgust wasn't one of them.

"It's not like that," Daniel rushed to assure him, as though reading his mind. "I have lots of gay friends. I'm not disgusted with the lifestyle, and I certainly don't think that just because someone is gay that I'm going to be jumped. I just, well, it's hard to explain. Those friendships aren't as close as our's is. I would set limits on close they could get, and maintain those barriers. It has nothing to do with them, or you, personally. It's me."

Or someone else, Jack thought sadly. It all made sense now, the pieces were all falling into place.

"Who did it, Daniel?" he asked gently, his previous irritation with Daniel's attitude gone. Daniel blinked hard, and started rocking, but didn't answer. Jack took a deep breath, his heart breaking at the knowledge that Daniel had suffered even more.

"You didn't throw up because I kissed you. And the Daniel I know would never say something like that, or condemn my life choices, without cause. You're hurt, Danny, because you think I betrayed you by not telling you. You let yourself believe I was... what?" Jack led. He wanted desperately to reach over and put his arms around the man he loved when he saw the tears, and felt the tremors, but if what he suspected was true, the last thing Daniel would want right now was a man touching him in any way.

Daniel tried his best to stop the tears, he really did, but Jack was right. He felt betrayed, by Jack, and by his own feelings. Jack already had an idea of what might have happened. Daniel wanted to leave him to it, and walk away forever- away from Jack, away from the SGC. Never look back. But despite everything, he really did love the older man. Way more than he should. It was a part of what was killing him. Knowing how very much he did love Jack, and could never have him.

He risked a glance at the man, and saw no anger, only patience, and a willingness to listen. Jack had bared his soul to, _for_ , him, the least he could do was offer the same in return. It would be awful, yes, but fair. Jack deserved to know why Daniel was about to walk away from everything, walk away from him. How could he explain something that he didn't really know, only felt? It wasn't rational. It wasn't ordered. It was raw emotion, and Daniel had never been good at expressing it. Still, he had to try.

"Safe. I always assumed you were safe. The big macho US Air Force Colonel who had a thing for his 2IC. You and Sam were always making eyes at each other. Your interests were obviously elsewhere. And you two were good together, you know? I was completely safe with you."

Jack winced at the use of the past tense. He took another breath. He was positive he didn't want to know, but they'd come this far. If he let Daniel answer only this much, then he'd lose him for good. The young man was shutting down. The tears stopped, and his eyes were growing cold. Daniel was running. Not this time, Danny. Sorry, but you need this. I need this.

"Who did it?"

"Pick one," was the detached response. And Jack's soul cried out in horror. More than once. It had happened more than once! Oh god, Danny, how did you survive all this intact? He remembered what Daniel had been like after Hathor; Daniel had been a wreck, so Jack had brought him home and plied him with alcohol. Daniel talked about Hathor, about what little he could remember. Jack was seeing that night with new eyes. So, she hadn't been the first. No wonder it had hit Daniel hard.

"Christmas."

"It was my second foster home. I didn't talk much as a child. Still cried out at night from nightmares of my parents. Christmas eve, Hank came home drunk. I had a nightmare. He came up to my room, and beat me to within an inch of my life. I'd learned early on, in the first foster home that crying out was only going to encourage them. I was usually pretty good at keeping quiet. I tried, I really did. But when he broke my ribs, I couldn't stop it. He decided that if I was going act like a girl, I really should be treated like one. He'd been... fondling, I guess, from the first day I got there. He asked me to do things, and then beat me when I wouldn't. Sometimes he would force me to anyway. Sometimes I managed to get away. I couldn't have gotten away that night no matter what. He took it to another level and I screamed, and screamed. The pain, Jack, oh god. I was fighting him with everything I had. Every movement felt like his boot crashing down on my ribs again, but I couldn't stop. It only drove him on. Vanessa never came in. I called for her over and over again, begging her to stop him. My door stayed closed. It went on forever, I think. My voice was so hoarse. I remember trying desperately not to pass out from the pain, thinking that if I stopped screaming, no one would come."

"Danny..." Jack choked. Daniel continued. The floodgates had been opened. There was no stopping, not now.

"I don't remember much after that. I heard the sirens outside. The neighbours had called the police. They ripped Hank off me, but that's the last thing I remember. I must have passed out. I woke up in a hospital some time later. It took me weeks to recover. Hank had done a number on my ribs. That's why the pain was so bad. By the time I got out, Hank was in prison, and Vanessa was in a mental institution. I was off to see a shrink. He was actually pretty good. He let me talk about anything, or nothing, depending on my mood. Never pushed me for anything." Daniel offered a pained smile. "He used to keep chocolate bars in his office, and would give me one. It took me weeks to figure out he was offering me a temporary out, a way to focus on something else if it got too much. He denied it, of course. Told me he had to keep them there because his wife thought he was getting too fat. You know, I can remember that, but not his name?"

Jack nodded. It was hard to listen to, but he could only imagine how hard it was for Daniel to say.

"And the others?" Daniel sighed, and hugged his knees tighter to him.

"There were a few attempts, in a few other foster homes by mostly older "brothers". But I'd been through it once, with no desire to do it again. Boys my own age were easier to fend off, or were easily frightened by some not too subtle threats. In one memorable case, a broken nose. You would have been proud. I knew better than to keep silent this time. I was never around for a second attempt. I was in college when it happened again. A woman, this time. It seems strange to say that. A woman."

Jack frowned. "Daniel, as soon as you say no, its rape, gender doesn't matter."

Daniel nodded. "I know. I remember that from the shrink. She, ah, wouldn't take no for an answer. When I tried to leave, she hit me on the back of my head with a large book in my apartment. When I woke up, I was handcuffed to the bed. I thought we were friends; we'd been hanging out for a few months. We studied a lot together. She obviously thought it meant more than it did. I should have known. I should have called the police when she wouldn't leave. I underestimated her. She was rough. I tried to buck a little to get her off, but she, ah, rather enjoyed it. So I stopped. Tried to get my hands and ankles out of the cuffs, but they were unfortunately the real ones, not the cheap ones in most stores. The more I fought, the more she liked it. Kinda went for the passive aggressive technique. When I stopped fighting all together, she got bored, and left. I believe the words "dead fuck" were uttered. Unfortunately, she left me cuffed to the bed. Another study pal of mine came over around 2 am. He knew me, so late night visits weren't all that uncommon. He knew something had happened, but not what."

"Did you report her?"

Daniel shook his head, and blushed. "I couldn't. I was too embarrassed. I told Alex I'd been talked into trying something new, and had been left. The raw skin on my wrists and ankles didn't do much for that theory, but he never pushed. The next day I spoke to a professor we had in common, and told the professor that I thought she was cheating. I thought I'd caught her a few times, but it wasn't my place to say. It was an edge, and I used it. Turns out, she was, and a week later, she was gone. And then, of course, there was Hathor."

Daniel glanced up at Jack and shrugged. "Hardly traumatizing, but I thought she was my friend." Just like you. The words hung in the air, unspoken, but Jack could hear them all the same as he made the connection between College Bitch and Daniel's feelings of betrayal by Jack for being bi. If one friend could do it, so could another.

Jack couldn't do it anymore. He wrapped Daniel in his arms and pulled him to him, clutching tightly. Tears flowed freely down his cheeks, and he couldn't stop the sobs from escaping. Shocked, Daniel looked up at the sound.

"Jack?"

"You were just a kid, Danny." It was all Jack could get out through the sobs. Daniel sat perfectly still. Jack was crying for his pain? His dead soul sparked at that, realizing for perhaps the first time that Jack really _did_ love him. There was no disgust, that he didn't feel it for him. The only disgust was for the monsters who lurked in the memories of a frightened child and teenager. Jack's tight hold on him told him more than words ever could how sorry Jack was, how much he wanted to protect him.

He felt tears on his own face, and really felt the pain for the first time in months. He'd been so cold, so dead. And suddenly, here, today, he had felt more than he ever had. And he let himself feel it. He was safe. Jack would keep him safe, would bring him back. He clutched at Jack, returning the fierce hold, and cried for the first time about the lost innocence of a little boy. For a long they sat, until the tears had dried, and sobs reduced to hiccups.

"I'm here, Danny. I didn't know. I'm so sorry. You're still safe."

Daniel moved out of the hold. Jack let him go reluctantly. He watched as Daniel searched for something in his face. Suddenly, for the first time in months, Daniel smiled. A real smile. Jack's heart skipped a beat.

"I know, Jack. I always am with you." Back to the present tense! And an honest to God smile. Difficult as it was, they'd accomplished something today. Jack looked, and finally saw, that spark of life in those beloved eyes. Daniel had stopped running. He trusted him, wanting him to understand. And he did.

"So, are we okay? We can still be friends?" Jack asked, unable to stop his hope from shining through. Daniel's smile fell. There was something he needed Jack to understand.

"Jack, I want you to listen to me, very carefully. Christmas has always been hard for me. That was one of the worst, but none of them has ever been pleasant. So every year, I drown myself in the nearest bottle of the strongest stuff, if I can. And if not, I spend the night wrapped up in my work. This year, I thought I had lost a friendship that meant more than anything to me. I honestly didn't know I was putting my physical health at risk. By the time I did, it didn't matter. I didn't care. It was too much. I really thought I had died, on the inside."

"Daniel..." Daniel held up his hand to stop him. Jack held his tongue, but really wanted to tell Daniel how important he was... not only to him, but also to a lot of other people.

"No, just listen. Today, I have felt more alive than I have in months. Thanks to you. I was going to run. Away from the memories, away from you, away from everything. I've talked about everything else, except the matter really at hand. I love you, too, Jack. Not just as a best friend. You're so much a part of me that I couldn't begin to imagine my life without you in it. I don't believe in labels. I never really have. Hank was no gayer than General Hammond was, but he still raped me. I've been unfair to hold people at bay simply because of the way their hearts chose to love."

Daniel took a deep, calming breath. In twenty years, it had been the first time he'd actually said the word 'rape'. Jack was still being patient, had recognized this, and was allowing him time. Daniel felt grateful, again. God, how could he ever have considered running? How could he have thought no one cared, when Sam, Teal'c and Jack shown nothing else since the first day they'd come together as a team. He felt ashamed for being so selfish.

"Danny! Don't! I don't know what you're feeling guilty for, but don't," Jack insisted calmly. He knew Daniel, and recognized the signs he was packing for guilt building in him. Daniel nodded, not really believing him, but realizing he had to cover one thing at once. He turned sad eyes on his best friend.

"Jack, please, believe me that I really do love you. I'm in love with you. I always have been. And it's been �ripping� me apart, knowing I can never have you. I'm not worth your whole career. Not worth you going to prison for. The SGC needs you, Earth needs you. The job you do is important, keeping people safe. So many of us wouldn't be here if it weren't for you."

Jack was on his knees in front of Daniel before he'd even realized he'd moved. He grabbed Daniel's hands.

"Do _you_ need me?" Daniel smiled sadly.

"Always have, Jack. Always will. But it doesn't matter. For all those reasons and more, I'm not worth it. I can't ever... Jack, Hank was the first, but he wasn't the last. I don't think I could ever... You deserve someone who can give you all of themselves. I can't. There are places far darker than that in my memories."

Jack took a deep breath. He understood what Daniel was trying to tell him. But he wanted it so badly. Daniel loved him. That was all that really mattered. Anything else they could work through, and with.

"But Danny... what do _you_ want?" Daniel bit his lip and shook his head. He couldn't ask. It wasn't fair to Jack. He tried to turn away, but Jack grabbed his face and held him. "Don't hide from me, not anymore. Tell me, Daniel, what you want. Please."

"I want to think I can. I want to think we can make this work, despite the regs, despite my... issues. I want... I want to try, Jack."

Jack smiled. He'd won a major victory today. Several, in fact. And it didn't matter. Daniel was his. All he had to do was convince him of that. Daniel would probably always have trouble asking for what he wanted, but it didn't matter. Jack would spend a lifetime teaching him it was okay. Daniel may never be able to have sex with him, but it didn't matter. He'd spend a lifetime being patient, and showing the young man he wasn't going to hurt him.

Jack licked his lips nervously. He felt guilty now for his impromptu kiss earlier. He desperately wanted to kiss him, though. Jack decided he needed to put control of the situation, and their actions, in Daniel's hands. He would take whatever Daniel could offer. Asking to be kissed was new to the older man, but he'd decided long ago that having Daniel was worth any price... even if that meant a lack of spontaneity and romance. Daniel had been taken advantage of by both genders, and yet he'd seen the man kiss Sha're. It would take time for Jack to discover what Daniel's limits were. In the meantime, he would ask.

"Danny... can you kiss me?" Daniel hesitated. Jack immediately withdrew. "Daniel, let me make this clear to you. You can say no. Remember that, all right?" He didn't want Daniel to think he was pushing. The decision had to be his. He waited patiently while Daniel fought the daemons inside, the years of mistrust and decide if this was what he really wanted.

A small, but certain, smile graced Daniel's lips as he slowly leaned forward to brush his lips against Jack's, his hesitancy �gone�. Jack smiled, and pushed a little harder. Not much. Just enough to let Daniel know it was okay to try. Daniel responded, finally gaining enough confidence to swipe his tongue over his lips, gently, but begging for permission. Jack opened his mouth, and their tongues danced gently. He let his... lover... set the pace. When Daniel became more passionate, then so did Jack, when Daniel backed off, so did Jack. Daniel had complete control over the kiss, and retreated as soon as he started to feel he no longer had it. They wrestled like this until they were standing, wrapped in each other's arms.

They broke apart when air became a problem. Panting, they smiled at each other. Jack's full of pride, Daniel's shy.

"That was..." Daniel began. Jack nodded.

"A step, Love, only a step. The first of many." The endearment rolled so easily off his tongue. Nicknames for Daniel were nothing new to Jack. He was thrilled, now, that he could use ones that are more intimate.

"So, what happens now?" Jack reached up and smoothed bangs that had gotten loose away from Daniel's forehead.

"We work at it, and build. If we never get to the top, it doesn't matter. The point is, we tried. You tried. That's all I ever ask of you, Danny. It's no small thing, I know. And it won't be easy. But there's something I need you to understand, for me." Daniel nodded, touched by Jack's sacrifice for him, and by his understanding.

"What?"

"You're worth it, Danny. That, and so much more. Now, will you get better because you want to, or because I want you to?" Daniel smiled. He was drained. They'd run the gauntlet today, and he'd been in bad shape before. All he wanted to do now curl up next to Jack and rest. But it was there. He wanted to rest. He felt no driving force to keep going. It was time to let go, to move on. Jack would help him, would catch him.

"Both, Jack. Thank you, so much." Jack smiled in relief, a full smile. The first real smile since Daniel had walked in the door what felt like days ago. He hugged Daniel to his chest, kissing his temple.

"No problem, Dannyboy. Loving you is the easy part. And I've got a lifetime to prove it to you."

The End


End file.
